Sunday, December 13, 2009

What I Will Accept

Do you ever wonder what you will have to accept in this life?

I could stay awake at night, just wondering what I might encounter in this life and be forced to accept as my new reality. It freaks me out to realize that sometimes all that stands between me and the complete annihilation of all I know as certain is some trivial detail like a water bottle rolling under the brakes of my car or something. Well, we've probably all seen Final Destination, but you get the idea. Perhaps if it was my death, maybe the mundane would make more sense and be easier to swallow than being a tsunami victim or something sensational.

No, it's what life may ask me to endure that sends shudders of incapacitating fear up my spine. In moments of silence, I realize how temporal my tunnel of vision is, all I can see is what I want to see. Like, when I can't find mall parking at Christmas time and look begrudgingly at the handicap spots, do I really want the privilege of parking there? Or when my daughter pushes me to the outer limits of sanity, will I ever come to a moment when the memory of these days is filled with more regret than laughter? Sometimes the only difference between a fleeting moment and the separation of time into the halves of 'then' and 'now' is heartbreakingly small.

I suppose this little wandering rant is rooted in the passing of the year and is a reflection of what has passed and what is to come. I think the subtle truth is that I hope that I have the courage to embrace the changes that come my way, big or small, with grace and dignity. To see those who have been forced to face these challenges with compassion and the knowledge that while I cannot see the entire scope of their struggle, I can identify with their humanity and ever so tenuous grasp on reality. To slow down and feel the wind rather than trying to sense its direction.

Anyone feel me?

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